This is quite a sensitive one for me, as I really only now feel like I have found myself at the age of 26 (almost 27).
For years I have been floating around this society, trying to impress, or mimicking other people’s behaviour because I thought it was cool. Underneath this mask though I was a shell of a person, truly unsure of every decision I made.
I remember going through school, with most around me looking like they had a direction and a solid understanding of their career. If not, at least they had some knowledge of who they were so could form a general direction.
However, on the other side of the spectrum was me (and probably many others). A closeted queer person, just trying desperately not to be found out or stand out. Living each day behind that mask. Laughing at things that I didn’t find funny. Going along with something I didn’t agree with. Bullying people because my ‘friend’ thought it was funny. Wearing boring clothing that everyone else wore.
When it came to deciding what to do for university, I remember having very little interest or drive to research a super interesting place where I could fit in, or get the most from a course. Thinking back, I was standing there with my mum at after an uneventful open day at Manchester Uni, and her saying ‘what is it you actually enjoy doing!?’.
I took a decision to study a techie degree as I did have that passion (thank god).
Now, I am in a really good place, with a skilled job, respect from my peers and friends. All because I stuck with it and persisted. It was fucking hard at times, but thankfully I have a very supportive community, family and partner.
My theory is this: I didn’t have the passion to know what to choose, because I had no idea who I was.
How on earth can you pick a course or direction in life, if you can’t even understand what is going on inside your own mind.
I am where I am now because I don’t need to pretend. I say what I think. I hang around with those that bring me joy and comfort. Things fall into place because I am on the right path.
Don’t worry if you feel like you’re floating around endlessly while everyone else seems to be getting it. You probably just need to do a bit of self digging.
I was actually scared to share this on my website and through social media, but then realised that I have nothing to hide. This is who I am. Take it or leave it honey.
Thanks for reading,
P.S. I love the outfit in the header photo, it’s quintessential Harry/Genie